“There is so much unhappiness in the world, yet we carry within ourselves the capacity to bring laughter and joy into our lives. Whenever I think of an act of cruelty, an injustice like the Holocaust with all those people burning up in the ovens, I just reflect on this truth and laugh out loud. Laugh until tears run down my face. It feels good.”
– The Dalai Lama.
“It’s called Therapeutic Sukkavissatthi and it’s a Theravadin Buddhist cancer treatment. I practice it regularly. It’s not just masturbating a lot. It’s actually very scientific.”
– Steve Jobs.
“There were many Lassies over the years, of course. A couple got old and passed on, others met accidents. We burned one to death during filming. A couple others got electrocuted. One got crushed by the catering truck in front of the kids. That caused a scene, I can tell you.”
– Rudd Weatherwax.
“Dawkins? Oh he can talk up a storm, I grant you that, but you should see the man eat. I once had the misfortune to witness him ingest a rice paper roll. It was like watching a seagull choke down a discarded condom… Utterly revolting.”
– Richard Holloway.
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a thief, but Albert had a problem. At first it was just pens, staplers, the occasional calculator… We’d find them hidden in a pile in his office. Things started to get out of hand once he began raiding the women’s dormitories. I lost count of how many undergarments we found stuffed in his desk drawers. It was an illness with him. A mania.”
– Peter Bergmann.
“Heaven knows it’s a sin, but I must confess I’m partial to the sound of cuss words. Like shit, or cunt. Listen to the sound of it… Cunt. Like you’re cutting through a crisp, green apple. Glorious.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
“There was many a time I’d stay back late in the Oval Office, and imagine taking on Teddy Roosevelt. I would get a great deal of pleasure out of picturing myself greasing up and wrestling that macho fuck to the ground, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
– John F. Kennedy.
“I first met Gandhi in a vegan restaurant in London in 1931. He was there with his cronies, using his celebrity to queue jump – the bald shit.”
– Lord Edward Irwin.
“I’ll tell you something you don’t know about Paul. He’s covered in skin tags. Skin tags and moles. It’s disgusting.”
– John Lennon.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve told Nadya… Knives should always be placed to the left in the cutlery drawer. No other utensil is as useful in the entire kitchen, and they should be the first tool to hand. Yet she persists in storing the cutlery as so: spoons, forks, and THEN knives. Madness! Sheer madness!”
– Vladimir Lenin.
“I once ate a whole bag of apples in a day. I shit nothing but what looked like scrumpy cider for 24 hours afterward. Horrible business.”
– George Washington